The book covers all aspects of planning a civil marriage service. It is full of suggestions and helpful advice for the some of the road bumps that many of encounter along the way.

For example: many of us marry and we have children from our previous relationships.

How can I include my children in my ceremony?

There are many ways that you can include your children in your ceremony. For example, you can walk with your child down the aisle, you can issue a certificate welcoming the child into their new family, or make a statement to the child during the ceremony.

 Giving a child a bracelet

When Dave and Marianne married they included their small daughter in their ceremony. Marianne says, ‘Kim announced herself unexpectedly three days after we made the initial booking and arrangements for the wedding in the Netherlands . We decided to postpone for another year and enjoy the birth of our child first. By this time we had become such a close-knit unit that it felt only natural to include our child and give her our “vows” too.’

In the ceremony, Dave and Marianne exchanged vows and then they each read a poem to each other ‘We then stood Kim on top of the table in front of us, read our words to her and gave her a bracelet we had specially made for her, containing a star sapphire which I found in central Queensland the year I met Marianne in 1995’, recalls Dave.

After making statements to each other, in Dutch and in English, Marianne and Dave then made a declaration to their daughter Kim and they gave her a bracelet.

Marianne and Dave : Our flesh, Our miracle, Our life, Our everything, Our little girl

We promise

We will always love you

And take care of you

We will always be your friends

And guide you

And as a symbol for all this

We give you this sapphire

Which comes from mother earth

And will ground and protect you

On your journey through life

All our love!!

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Difficult children

If your children are not keen, or are resentful, about you marrying— good luck! You may have moved on but your children haven’t. They may still want you to marry your ex, and your wedding may not be the most joyous moment in their lives. If they are adamant that they don’t want to be involved, don’t try to swim against the tide and make them do something that they don’t want to. It will only end in disaster.

Or you could try a gesture from you to them—but kids can be a tough audience. You could make a public statement to them; do a symbolic act such as planting a tree to signify a new life, or bribe them with something that they have always wanted . . .

Hilary Smith from Relationship Services Whakawhanaungatanga advises that you don’t leave it to the wedding to deal with children who are hostile to the idea of you walking down the aisle again. She says that the age of your children may impact on how you deal with the problem. ‘Children who are still dependent on parents may need some counselling to help them deal with their feelings about the end of their parents’ relationship and how they adjust to a new relationship for one of their parents. They need to know that they will still get what they need from their parent. So you probably need counselling for them, and counselling for you all together.’

The idea of a parent re-marrying can also hit adult children hard. Hilary recommends:‘honest conversation, listening to their feelings and accepting them. Don’t expect them to be happy just because you are.’*

* A wonderful book that may help you through this particularly rocky path, is,

Stepfamily Life: why it is different—and how to make it work , by Margaret Newman.

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